With Kerry and Edwards leading our nation, I can imagine regaining my faith in the American way of thinking and acting, in the basic goodness of people, and in the endless possibilities for my own children. I can imagine a future in which I can again be proud to say that I'm an American.
Dear Ann Coulter,
Out of morbid curiosity, I read your column for USA Today. And in all honesty, I can see why the USA Today editors said it had "basic weaknesses in clarity and readability." In the interest of cooperation between Americans with differing viewpoints, I'd like to offer a few suggestions to help you.
1) Commas are good. It might be helpful if you picked up a junior high English grammar book and studied the section on punctuation. For example, if you had used commas instead of dashes in the third paragraph from the end in which you expressed your desire to remove teachers from the U.S. education system, the readability of your column would have been greatly enhanced.
2) Clarity about subject matter is also good. It's a rather common technique among writers to use your opening paragraph to enlighten the readers as to the topic of your column, maybe with an amusing story or description, and to build your case throughout the column.
After reading your column I was uncertain as to the point. Was it that Democrats belong in cages? And if so, why exactly? (Did some Bush-appointed lawyer-turned-judge issue an opinion stating that the president now has the power to imprison Democrats?) Was it that we don't need government workers to keep this country operating? (Perhaps we'll have a draft for road-repair crews - maybe SUV and Hummer drivers could be in the first round.) Was it that only Democrats use extreme analogies to make their points? Funny, seems like that's what you are doing in this very column.
In your final paragraph you make reference to a "French party." I am unaware of such a party. Is this the one Ralph Nader is running for this year? (Funded by Karl Rove Republicans, of course?)
In fact, the column does not seem to have a cohesive topic at all. Perhaps a good title would have been "Random Observations from the Conservative Fringe". This would enable the reader (if they were unfamiliar with the author's leanings) to know right off the bat that the column would be filled with hyperbole and mean-sprited comments.
3) Use metaphors and similes with care. Upon reading the opening paragraph, I first thought I had stumbled upon a critique of a horror movie ("Spawn of Satan: O'Reilly's Legacy"). Perhaps you should have started by letting readers know that you are at a convention for one of the two major American politcal parties, and then go on to draw an analogy of how Democrats are related to the devil. You never really adequately supported this point in your column. Do you actually have proof of the relationship betweem Satan and the Democrats or are we supposed to take this on faith?
Also, the comparison between conservatives and gay men was very confusing. I had previously thought that conservatives were very different from gay men, and that perhaps there are no gay conservative men. Does this comparison mean that you support gay marriage between conservative gay men? It's probably better not to mention homosexuality at all since it only confuses the issues at hand in your column, which are already very confusing.
4) Get the facts straight. In particular, your paragraph about women had some glaring errors. First of all, I guarantee you that there are many beautiful liberal women out there, so if you assumed that all the pretty "girls" (does this mean they were underage?) at the convention were winking at you because they were conservatives, you might have been very wrong. In fact, it's quite likely that they were in fact trying to tell you that you had lipstick smeared on your teeth, or they may have been hitting on you.
Secondly, "corn-fed" is not a correct descriptor for most truly liberal women, unless you modify it with "non-genetically engineered."
Thirdly, "no-bra needing" implies that liberal women all have small breasts. It is true that some conservative women may indeed be larger-breasted, especially since Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy have made it more likely that they can afford the breast implants necessary to confuse men into dating them. (Also, if your implication is correct, conservative "girls" are easier than liberal women since they have looser standards. Is that part of the "Bush" doctrine? Conservative girls pre-emptively open their legs to the good ol'boys? But I digress...)
But in fact, if the women present (or "girls" if you prefer pejoratives) needed no bra, why should they wear one? I think the description you may have been searching for is "no-bra wearing" which more accurately conveys your disgust at women who happen to choose not to wear such undergarments. Given that the health and sanctity of the undergarment business is so obviously threatened by women who brazenly go bra-less, I'm sure we can look forward to President Bush proposing a "Federal Brassiere Amendment" in the coming months in between vacations and fundraising.
I hope these suggestions might help you with your writing skills. However, I'm sure that if your writing difficulties limit your ability to be published in major newspapers, you can always put out more books. And look on the bright side. There's no need to stick to the facts in your books!
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen from Oregon